Jayathi

Jayathi means be Victorious in Sanskrit. I was not thinking about Victory when I created this blog very casually 9 years ago. Jayathi is my paternal grandmother. We lost her when I was 17. She was taken suddenly way too early from us. So, in a way this is in her memory. But I hate to say so, because I've not written anything of value. I hope I do justice to her name one day.

My dodda (doḍḍa) as we call grandmas in TuLu, my mother tongue, was a great woman. She lived all her life in Kunjibettu (Udupi, South Canara, Dakshina Kannada District, Coastal Karnataka, India). Like women of that generation, she would always be well dressed. She was beautiful. She had slightly dark skin. I hope she didn't consider herself any less pretty. She was tall and elegant. Lioness is what I think of her personality, fiercely protecting her babies and pretty much the boss. I think her zodiac sign was Leo too.

A lot of women in India go to their husbands house after marriage and live under the shadows of their mother in laws for years until their time comes to rule.. at least the house hold. Its also considered an honorable thing to do. But my dodda married her first cousin who was living in the same house hold. So, she is probably one of the few women of that generation who died in the same home she was born in. That brought some power to the dynamics.

My ajja, paternal grandfather ran a restaurant in Gadag that kept him away from the family. Dodda ran the house hold. Dodda had four boys and three girls. My father the first born.

My mother lived with dodda for 22 years and I don’t know how she did it. I understand those were different times and joint families were the norm and you just put up with everything in the name of duty and respect to elders. But I couldn’t do it.

If you are wondering what is it about my grandma that might have made things difficult for my mom, lets just say, she was not the most easy or nice person to have as a matriarch of the family, to put it nicely 😉 And I say that with utmost love and respect for her. It doesn’t make her any less good, but she was who she was. May be she had only enough love to go around and she had to be careful who she was going to give it to. The daughter VS daughter in law... I know it’s a hard job to love all of your big family equally when some seem so much more lovable, deserving or needy, right.

Dodda was always great to my two older brothers and I. She was partial to my visiting cousins and say gave extra mango to them! But she loved us nevertheless.

Children need to grow up with grandparents. There is so much to learn from them. Even though I said some bad things about her, the time I spent with her is so valuable and cannot be replaced by anyone and anything. I’m forever grateful for having had her in my life.

The last two years of her life, she was at best behavior towards my parents. We had moved out of our ancestral home and lived separately. Although I can’t be sure, I believe the distance from her first born and his wife made her finally realize how great they were all those 20+ years.

I’m proud to say I’m the only granddaughter of Ms Jayathi. She has enough grandsons to make a cricket team. I feel special. But I was not spoiled like you would think. My dodda taught us a lot of things. My brothers and I were her big helpers.

In summer, we cleaned tender mangoes and removed stems in preparation for pickling.

We dropped spoonfuls of dough on plastic sheets to make sendige(sun dried chips).

Made ladu’s for Krishna janmastami.

In rainy season, ate and extracted jackfruits for making gatti and appa.

Every day we said bhajane(prayer/singing) with her and my aunt.

Many nights, we would sleep with her and she has this bed time routine which will make the worst insomniac fall asleep. Basically imagine monkeys picking lies out of each other. When this is done to your head, going through all your hair root looking for lies, I promise you will sleep. She did this with lights out and in one hand, massaging through your scalp. Heavenly! I swear I feel sleepy already.

She was so proud of me when I got my nose pierced at age 11. She would show me off proudly to all the neighborhood ladies. It’s a tradition in India for girls to get their nose pierced after puberty or at least before marriage. Her own daughter had waited till adulthood to get one done.  And the grand daughter had voluntarily done so at that tender age.

I can’t remember when, but maybe I had won a competition, when she told one of the best and most encouraging thing anyone ever told me.  “You should achieve what boys can’t”. Yes, just that simple. I love that she told it to me.

After we had moved out of her house, I used to go there everyday for lunch, because the school was closer to that house. It was a very special time, she and I. We ate together the lunch she prepared.

If there was a feminist in that generation, she was the proud, head strong one. She managed the whole family, made it work through thick and thin.

I wish she would have lived longer to see all of us do well in life. I hope dodda is really proud of who I am and what I've become as woman.

Love you dodda!